Pride & (Kind Of) Prejudice

So where do I start? I think I'd have to go back a little further to back when I was still in high school, six years ago. The first time I met my first love. He was pretty popular in my high school because he could play the piano well, he didn't talk much, and he looked good. So girls - not every girl - thought he's cool, guys hated him. And I thought… This guy is way too pretty to be a guy.

Anyways, while some girls were going crazy about him, all he was to me was just a pretty boy. That was, until he texted me. He was my senior in high school and I was surprised because he wanted to get to know me. I mean it's me. I wasn't skinny, my skin was tanned, I got messy hair but he chose me. Or interested in me. And he happened to be that kind of guy who wouldn't even bother to reply you if he's not interested, so it was kinda.., you know, cool. Ha!

Suddenly he didn't look that feminine anymore. He looked sweet. And he was funny. He wasn't a quiet guy at all. He's smart, and he's so good with words, I was head over heels for him in no time.

Pause for a while.

You see what's happening there?? I judged him. I so judged him. But when I fell, I once again misjudged him.

Let's continue.

He asked me out. We went out once. The next day at school I didn't have the guts to look at him. My friends told me he was staring at me all the time. But I didn't stare back or even look at him. I couldn't. I was too shy, too nervous, too silly to be able to look at him in the eye.

After that nothing happened. Nothing.

Our relationship grew - very slowly - until we were both in Sydney. But even until then - I was still crazy about him - nothing happened. We were more than friends, but less than lovers. We didn't hold hands, or share a kiss, but we did everything together. Maybe - I might be imagining things - there were times where he let it slipped that he had feelings for me. But every time I brushed it off as if he was joking. It wasn't because I didn't like him. I liked him too much. But something hold me back. This stupid thing called pride.

At that time, maybe he started to think that I didn't like him. No. He thought I didn't like him. I never said anything to him until it was too late. To make it simple, you can say we're just not meant to be together. But I think it's my pride that ruined it. Apparently he's the kind of guy who got approached by girls. He rarely approached any girl. Wow. You must think I was the lucky one to be able to get his attention. I must be proud. Well that pride also brought me down. I used to spend my time thinking how it would've ended differently, if I hadn't reacted the same.

That's one thing about me. It's very easy for me to approach someone when I don't have special feelings towards them. It's extremely difficult for me to be kind to those whom I attracted to. You might think, we're all like that! I don't know. But I think I've caused a lot of misunderstanding with this behavior. And it always hurts me in the end.

I always have this one concept in my mind: men should find women. Man will find a woman. They're the hunter. And we're the prey. When someone I like does something nice to me. I take it as a normal kindness. And my pride will hold me back to be too nice to him. I will expect him to go over the mountains just to get to me.

Weirdly enough, I'm mostly involved with men who are as proud as me. Maybe that's why we never end up together happily. Because I expect him to be/do something. And he's expecting me to be/do something. But we both don't do enough.

Is it the sign that I have to change my attitude? Or…

Does this mean, I just haven't met the right one? LOL.

Either way, pride is not a good thing. *sigh* I know that very well. It's one of the seven deadly sins. I mean, look at Jane Austen! All of her main characters are strong women with pride. I mean, obviously, Elizabeth Bennet did end up with Mr. Darcy. It was because Mr. Darcy was very brave and also pretty aggressive. But there aren't many men who are like that nowadays. There weren't many men who were like that back then as well! A little fun fact: Jane Austen never got married!

I believe in love stories that were told by a woman who never got married!

Mr. Darcy (from Pride and Prejudice), or Frederick Wentworth (from Persuasion) are not real!

I think I'm turning into her if I keep this prideful behavior any second longer. *shivers*

How about you, ladies? You probably are having the same problem with me? You can have standards about the guy of your dreams, just make sure that your standards are realistic.