Ok. I was thinking to write this post days ago. I was so upset (hormonal things I guess) and felt very down. It's funny how I feel it's so far away now. But I know that feeling will come again someday - maybe next month - and I need to prepare myself when it comes. I need my own positive self to talk me through, to calm me down, to do things one second at a time instead of fast forwarding through the hours and days.
It all started with a few too romantic movies I watched. The Vow. Yeah. I know. So handsome and pretty. And also so so so so so so so romantic. I couldn't help not to wish how everything was different with my own story, my own past. That movie makes me think about soulmate. About a lover. About life partner. About my past - since I'm single now.
So there it was, eating me slowly but sure, that feel of loneliness and emptiness. I reminded myself of all the things I couldn't do anymore. Of all the memories that I wasn't ready to remember. And then the pain came. It stung. I remembered about a book that I used to read long time ago, Persuasion, and at one point the author stated that men, unlike women, can get over quicker. And the pain stung some more.
But here's the thing about pain: it is highly addictive. I hated myself for being drowned in pain. But at the same time it feels too familiar to get away from. Instead of filling my thought with other things, I feed my pain with sad love songs, sweet memories and tears. I was too indulged with my own pain, trying hard to hold onto those memories and not realizing that I had let them go long before. Pain's getting fatter and fatter until I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. The number one thing you must not do to your ex is asking him/her back. The second one is to ask him/her if they still love you. I was a little desperate so I did the second thing.
It wasn't that stupid, really (it is stupid, was just trying to cheer myself up hahaha). I thank God my ex is a very humble person and also close to God, and doesn't hate me. I hope he doesn't think I'm a psycho. I was behaving like one. And I also thank God because he's my friend, and being mature about it. The moment I asked that question, I know a painful truth: I've reached the bottom. So I expected the worst, and I promised myself no matter what the answer would be, I got to get out from the pain.
But like what James Morrison sings, "when it all falls down, the only way is up." So up was where I headed to. And suddenly I wasn't trying to find the answer anymore. It doesn't matter. Somewhere between the tears and sad songs I forgot the reason why I did all I had done. I forgot my own words when I told him, "We'll be brothers and sisters in Christ." I think God helped me climbing up too. I didn't know what I'd do without Him.
It's not the matter of which gender forgets their lover faster. If it is so, then what? Men forget faster just as women talk more. What's important is that I'm moving forward. I don't have to get over him completely now. I don't need to turn away my focus entirely right away. I only need to do it one second at a time. And I'll be alright. This thought, this whole post - I need it, in case I fell again. But now I'm fine. I'm so fine that I almost decided not to post anything. But I know I have to. I can't keep everything in my mind, seeing how I constantly think about anything every time, even in my sleep - which explains why I keep on having weird dreams almost everyday.
Ok. Back to love. This whole thing about love lead me to one theory though. When you truly love someone, it's gonna be hard to get over them. When it's easy for you to move on, it means you have lost your love somewhere even when you're still with them. And I think that's also the key that tells you, you're not meant to be with them. Another thing is, when God meant it to be done, it will be done. If He meant for you to be with them, you'll be with them, if not, you'll forget them, as long as you stay close and give in everything to Him. I was clinging to MY pain and MY sorrows and with that I couldn't see MY happiness and MY good times. I skipped the fun and joy in exchange of some painful memories, that I couldn't see the opportunity of being happy in the future. And I thank God for teaching me that.
Another thing I want to share is... never stop think. If you think you have thought about it carefully, think again, especially in choosing someone to live the rest of your life with. And never, I repeat never choose someone because of something they have. You have to choose them because you love them and can trust them with all of your heart. Because they make you a better person and they become better because of you. Because they understand you, know what you want, and always being honest to you. And most important and fundamentally, choose someone who has the same faith as you, who has really matured spiritually and emotionally.
You might think there's no way in the world there could be someone like that. But that's the thing. That's the beauty of faith. Something you don't even believe will not happen unless you start to believe. Give faith a chance, and you'll see love happens. Not money, not power, and not even prestige. It's love. I don't ever want to lose that hope of the existence of that one person who is a truly match for me.
Of course it is very human to feel fed up, and got bored with one's partner, with the relationship they're having. But it's not the word bored that we're looking for here. It's the word commitment and faithfulness. It's not about how you feel, it's about what will you do when you have that feeling. And that choice is what determines who you are as a person.
I believe even when you got bored with your relationship, there's always a way to renew things between you and your lover. It's when you stop trying that the relationship will start tumbling down. And here's where you need God to be your guidance, example and teacher of love :) God's love is special. He keeps on giving and when He's giving, He never stops. It's damn hard. But if it's easy, everyone would be god. So learn to keep giving, little by little, step by step. Being a good person is actually very easy, but tiring. Because not everyone - sometimes even no one - realize your good deeds. That's why most people choose not to care. Because it's safe. It doesn't cost their heart.
But I say, let's give love a try and start giving. Be it your kindness, care, attention, smile, thoughts, helps, laughs, money, or any other thing, just give something to show your love to others. And don't focus on what you'll get in return, but for what they'll get from your love...
One last thing.. for the people who have chosen the wrong person/guy/girl. It's not too late. And no, I'm not saying for you to divorce them. You see, your life is like a path, and God is your GPS. Sometimes you'll get stubborn and choose your own route, but it's never too late to reach God's destination for you. God can and will always redirect you to the right path. You just have to follow Him. But when you have lost, it'll take time to found the right path again. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to get back on track, other times it takes years. But don't lose hope. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. And everything else will fall in to the right places...
I pray to all the broken hearted so you'll be strengthen no matter what you've gone through. God will take that yoke from your shoulder. But first you have to lean on Him. Let Him help you.
I really don't know how to end this post. LOL.
My point is, keep on practicing unconditional love, for that's what we all need right now. Heaps of love. And I'm not talking about sex. So wipe that off of your head. This whole earth is dying. And the only thing that can save it is love.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
- Dr. Seuss
He's telling the truth.
Jesus loves you all!
PS. Sorry for grammatical errors! Can't be bother to revise. It's too long. Hope you make it through here though..
:)
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