when the mood comes

today i just did what i've always hated to do: say NO. i don't know why, but i think that word is being cursed! like, you know, you hate when people say no to you, and you hate when you have to say no!! like WHY?? (i mean i hate. i don't know if you guys feel it too^^')

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i know sometimes you just have to say the word - M said: you got to choose - and so i did. maybe this is one of my weakest weakness. i can't turn someone down, or i'll get down too.

about 3 years ago, there was this nice guy, and he was like 'can we hang out together?' and i was just, sorry i can't but he was so sweeet that i felt guilty just then!!! T.T how to make this guilty feeling disappear? people say it's okay, cuz its my decisions to make. but it didn't make things better.

i was facing the same situation today. it was so hard! it's like i was forced to slap somebody in the face. but i had to. i got no choice. == i wonder what do the popular girls think when they dump their hunkies. I mean, don't they ever feel guilty? even just for one second? (well, maybe they don't have to, coz the hunkies are jerks. ;D) i wish i could be one of them. haha.

or maybe not.

but anyway, i still feel guilty. and the way he said that it was okay making me feel even worse! T.T he told me not think about it but how can i????? i know that he knows that i will think about it, just as he thinks about it too.

Geez, this thing really does turn down my mood..